The Four and a Half Doctors
by eeveekitty85
Summary: The First Doctor screws up the timeline. No kitchen appliances were harmed during this fic, but a lamp, a mug, and the Fifth Doctor were exploded, incinerated and kicked, in that order. Rated for vegetable abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**The Four and a Half Doctors Part One**

**Notes: **I guess this is a little parody-like in it's own way. It's also very silly, but I am determined to bring the kind of Team Rocket humour I've always enjoyed in the Pokemon section to the world of Who. The Doctors were chosen because I like them. :) And also because I wanted a 'reverse the polarity of the neutron flow' joke, and no one does that quite like Three.

And yes, I know it's irritating, but I'll be using numbers as names again. But come on, what else can I do? If I describe them every single time they speak or move I'll run out of stereotypical phrases such as 'frilly' and 'big nose' and it'll all become terribly boring. Hence, numbers. In the words of Nate-Dogg, the great chav, 'deal wit it homies'.

This is dedicated to my lovely Morph. It's not a better with three, but since I managed to miss your birthday in an outstanding way due to Skegness and I doubt Cossie will have, this is my contribution. Happy birthday my Aussie pal. Here's to hoping you get Tooth and Claw soon…legally of course…:)

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The Doctor yawned lazily, rubbed his eyes, and gave a cry of horror and shock. Three shadows loomed menacingly over his bed, each with their own strange silhouettes. One was on the short side compared to the others, and his clothing held the suggestion of vegetables. One had remarkable ears. The other was slightly frilly.

"Doctor," said one grimly, in an accent that sounded suspiciously Northern.

There was a stifled giggle. "We've come for you…" said the short one, trying to sound impressive.

There was an irritated sigh and Mr Frills pointed something at the light switch. With a whirr and a click, light flooded the room. Mr Frills glared at the shorter man.

"Don't be so childish," he snapped. The young blond tried to stop smiling and muttered a half-hearted apology.

The Doctor lay back in bed, his hearts thumping a little irrationally. "Don't you ever do that again."

Nine looked at him. "I'm a bit pretty," he said dismissively.

"Yes well, one can never be quite happy with a replacement," said Five, grimacing just a little.

Three glowered. "I've always found predecessors to be far more infuriating."

Ten sat up again before Three could start ranting and said quickly, "Not that I'm not thrilled at the thought of another reunion, but why are you three in my bedroom?"

Nine looked suddenly suspicious. "What's that in your bed?"

"What?"

"Just there," said Nine, pointing. "The lump. What is it?"

"What the--?"

"Is that Rose?" he interrupted, looking very dangerous.

Ten raised an eyebrow. "It's a pillow."

"That's alright then."

A shrill ringing cut the tension and all four Doctors started rummaging about their persons.

"It's mine," said the Third Doctor, bringing what looked like a small suitcase from one of his pockets. Evidently the TARDIS was not the only thing to be dimensionally transcendental. He opened it up and got out something that looked like a small silver brick with a screen on the front and a very retro keypad. Ten had to conceal his grin as the antenna was unfolded with much deliberation.

"_When you four are quite finished, I would rather like to return to my own TARDIS in my own time! It's ridiculous that future versions of myself cannot cope with the simple task of getting me home!_" yelled a tinny but definitely grumpy voice. No one else sounded quite like him; it had to be One.

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be ready in a minute, we just need to get the Pretty Boy dressed," yelled Nine back. Three said goodbye politely and began folding the device away again.

"What the heck is that thing?" asked Ten over his shoulder as he rummaged in his wardrobe, slinging a tie around his neck.

"It's a portable broadcasting transmitter," said Three haughtily.

"Pocket TV," Nine translated. "And what pockets!"

"So what's going on then? What's the old man done now?" asked Ten as he discarded his pyjama top and fiddled with the tie.

"Long story," said Nine, going over to the bed and promptly making himself comfortable.

"D'you mind? Those cushions are from ancient Grekka!" said Ten indignantly, somehow managing to knot his tie through the button holes of his shirt. Five grinned and went over to give him a hand.

"Doctor? Are you OK? I heard voices," said Rose's voice. Nine looked up slightly as she came in.

What she saw was a man in a frilly shirt with some sort of suitcase, her old Doctor lying on the bed, her new Doctor in just his boxers and a half done up shirt and a young blond man fiddling with his tie.

Five dropped the tie and retreated to a corner as Ten said quickly, "It's not what it looks like."

"'lo Rose," said Nine, waving merrily at her from the bed. She waggled her fingers awkwardly in reply.

"Um," she said, looking around again. "Look, I can come back later if you lot are…busy."

"Let's explain it all over tea, shall we?" suggested Three, offering his arm courteously to her. Completely baffled and more than a little curious, she followed him to the kitchen, throwing little glances at the strange scene she left behind.

"That was a little awkward," said Five after a pause. Ten said nothing and grabbed his trousers.

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Ten minutes later, and all fully dressed, Five, Nine and Ten joined Rose and Three in the kitchen. Rose's face was slightly blackened, and she was throwing water over something.

"It's OK," she said dryly. "He reversed the polarity of the bad lamp."

"I had no idea it would explode!" protested Three hastily, stowing the sonic screwdriver away in his coat. Nine strolled over to a cupboard and ducked as a microwave fell out.

"So that's where that got to," mused Ten.

"What is it with you and kitchen appliances?" asked Rose, wiping her face with a tea towel.

"Just because I found three more uses for a blender…" said Ten with a quirky sort of grin that made Three groan.

"That's not what I meant!" said Rose, somehow managing to look both indignant and embarrassed. Luckily, Five still had the presence of mind to put the kettle on, and had managed to make a pot of tea.

"Where are the Hob Nobs?" he asked brightly, putting the lid on the teapot.

"Third cupboard on the left, above the cooker," said Ten, sitting down with Rose at the rickety wooden table that hadn't really fitted anywhere else. Nine pulled the cupboard door open and narrowly avoided a falling toaster.

"Fourth cupboard on the left then," Ten corrected as Five brought the teapot to the table along with five mugs, one proudly declaring 'World's Greatest Lover'.

"Who on Gallifrey bought you that?" asked Three, picking it up and studying it. Ten blushed a little and tried not to make eye contact with Rose.

Nine scowled.

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I know, I know, it's silly…but still, you're all gagging for the next part aren't you?

Also, is celery a vegetable? I put that cause I could put nothing else, but is it right? Drop me a line, or even better, a review.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Four and a Half Doctors Part Two**

**Notes: **Not much to report except…ah yes! The petition! Well, I'm asking you all for your support today because me and LilCosette reckon it's time we did something to combat flames on this site. Interested? Check out my profile. Go on, just one little click…you know you want to…

The poem was found whilst surfing t'Internet. Not sure where it's from or who wrote it, but I thought it fitted well. To whoever did write it: nice poem. :)

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Rose was taking a moment to sort out the tangled mess of information inside her head. From the way the frilly man had destroyed the lamp she had her suspicions, and her old leather jacket wearing Doctor was real enough. So were they all past incarnations of the same man? Then again, she thought as she studied the blond man, there was still an uncomfortable possibility that he was some sort of rent boy. Or something. In which case, she was going back to her room until they all left.

Five saw her staring and smiled, shuffling closer and sticking out his hand in a very boyish way. Smiling slightly at the stick of celery pinned to his lapel, she took it.

"You'll have to forgive us. We seem to have skipped over the formal introductions," he said, glancing back at the others who were, for some reason, arguing about Earth football teams.

"I'm the Doctor," he continued, making Rose sigh in relief. "We all are in fact. I am the fifth, and the gentleman who so kindly got rid of your lamp is the third. I take it you know the other two?"

"Yeah, course," she said, feeling a little daze. So it was real, and she was awake, and the man she'd seen burst into flames not that long ago was now defending Manchester United. "But hold on, if you're all together and you're all the same person, isn't that a paradox?"

"Quite right," said Three, leaving Nine and Ten to their own devices, which seemed to include wrestling. "But we're safe in the TARDIS, I can assure you. The Time Lords are wise when it comes to paradoxes, so we're well protected. Gallifrey, and anything from it, is a safe haven for us, even if we are bending the laws of Time a little." He smiled kindly, but Rose looked worried.

"But what about the Time W--?" Nine sprang forwards and clapped a hand over her mouth suddenly.

"Hang on a second gents, me and Rose have a few things to sort out," he said, dragging her away. Once they were safely out of earshot of the others, he took her by the arms instead.

"Right, first things first, the Time War hasn't happened for those two yet, and if you say anything about it we're Reaper chow, TARDIS or no TARDIS," he said seriously.

"OK," she replied, still feeling shaken.

"You're travelling with him now, which means I must have regenerated. And quite soon by the looks of you," he said, studying her face. It looked the same as ever. "I like the haircut by the way."

"Thanks," she said, smiling at the madness of it all. "So I can't say anything about you…dying? Because that would mess up the time line."

He looked her in the eyes. "It hit you really hard, didn't it?" he asked slowly, feeling so sorry for her. "You weren't ready. Didn't I ever tell you?"

"You tried," she said carefully. She bit her lip. "I miss you," she said hesitantly.

"Come here, you silly thing," he said, grinning as he pulled her into a hug. She sniffed a little bit, hugging him tightly, trying to convey in squeezes how much it had hurt. Then she pulled away, smiling again.

"Give me a minute to get dressed will you? Then you…all of you…can explain," she said, padding away in her bare feet.

Nine looked after her for a moment, then heard an explosion behind him.

"_My mug!_" cried a distraught sounding Ten.

"It was ridiculous anyway," said Three's voice grumpily.

"I had no idea china caught fire," commented Five. Nine grinned and went back to join them.

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"_My lines do not scan_, _my words do not rhyme, I've overrun the meter, dramatically, not for the first time,_" recited Six, with some dramatic gestures thrown in for good measure. "_Am I a poem? I am, if I say I am._"

"Oh God…" groaned Four, slamming his head down on the table. "How much more?"

Two flicked a peanut at him. "It's not every day we get to go to a pub talent contest."

"There's a reason for that," Four pointed out, his voice muffled by his scarf. "None of us are talented!"

"Speak for yourself," huffed Two, getting out his recorder as Six left the stage to a polite splatter of applause.

"You hear that? They love me," said Six proudly as he took a seat next to the others. Four just glared at him and ordered a beer.

"I don't think you were meant to be a beat poet somehow," commented Eight politely. Six scowled.

"Well I don't think you're any good at karaoke, but did you listen?" he fired back. "At least my considerable talents aren't limited to playing the spoons and shoving ferrets down my trousers," he added, glancing at Seven in contempt as he took to the stage.

"He's getting a better response than you did," Two pointed out.

Six decided to stop talking. For a little while at least.

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"This morning I received an urgent call from the First Doctor," said Three, stirring his tea. "He's trapped in a limbo dimension with no hope of escape." They were all sat around the old table on mismatched chairs, Rose perching on a wobbly stool. A sort of conference had been set up, with the Third Doctor at the head of the table. Ten was scowling slightly and clutching a new mug. The remains of the 'World's Greatest Lover' mug were presently smouldering on the worktop.

"What's wrong with the TARDIS?" asked Ten, taking the last Hob Nob out of pure spite. "I'd say that was an escape hope."

"If he was with the TARDIS," said Five.

"Ah," said Ten. He paused. "Then how come he has a phone?"

"Luck I suppose," said Five, shrugging.

"So why's he's in this limbo world then?" asked Rose, who was trying to keep up.

"He was trying to repair the TARDIS and something went wrong," said Nine.

"Say no more," muttered Rose wryly.

"And naturally, he thought that the person most fitted to fix the problem was himself," said Three, smiling. He had a rather genial, twinkly smile.

"That still doesn't explain why you three were in my bedroom," Ten pointed out.

"When the TARDIS got hurt and One got shifted, our whole timeline got screwed up," said Nine. "Last I heard, the rest of us were in a pub somewhere in Bromley. Luckily we ended up somewhere more useful."

"So let's hop to it then," said Ten, brushing biscuit crumbs off his hands. "Call up the old man and get him to give us some directions to his TARDIS."

"Way ahead of you," said Nine. "London, 2006."

"Oh it would have to be then wouldn't it?" said Ten, groaning. Rose looked up hopefully but he quickly added, "We're not stopping. I had Christmas dinner with your mum, I think that's enough for now."

"You don't have to come," she said, pouting.

"Actually, I think it would be better if none of us left the TARDIS. For security reasons," Nine said, shooting Rose a meaningful glance. Three glared at him irritably.

"Then how do you propose we repair _his_ TARDIS?" he snapped.

"Land this one inside it?" suggested Five.

"Well whatever we do, let's hurry up about it," said Three, still looking a little grumpy. "I don't want to stay here any longer than is necessary. The décor is terrible." He stormed off in the direction of the control room.

Ten exchanged a glance with Nine. "He's criticising _our _sense of style?"

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	3. Chapter 3

**The Four and a Half Doctors Part Three**

**Notes: **Last part. And I know you're all devastated.

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Susan looked up from her magazine as the wheeze of ancient engines filled the control room.

"Mr Chesterton! Miss Wright! They're here!" she called, getting up and rapping smartly on one of the bedroom doors. A little scuffling noise came from inside along with quite a lot of giggling. Then Ian and Barbara shuffled out, both looking rather rumpled and giving each other sheepish glances.

"Whatever have you been doing?" asked Susan in alarm. "Is that blood on your collar Mr Chesterton?"

Ian fingered his collar. "Er…why yes, I think it is. Barbara, would you help me get cleaned up?"

"Of course," she said quickly. They were just making their way to the medical room when people started to come out of the TARDIS by the console.

"Never mind," said Ian, rubbing the lipstick off by himself. Susan pretended not to notice.

"Stop shoving me young man!" snapped the Third Doctor as he was rudely pushed out of the TARDIS, swiftly followed by Ten.

"Serves you right for breaking my mug," he said snidely. He looked around, grinning. "This brings back memories. Hello Susan."

"Hello," she said, stepping forwards to shake his hand. "What number are you?"

"Ten," he announced proudly.

"Good gracious!" she said. "Of course, you already know Mr Chesterton and Miss Wright."

"Yes, hello again Chesterfield," he teased, shaking Ian's hand. "Ahh lipstick on your collar again old chap? You two certainly keep yourselves busy."

"'Lo everyone," said Nine, giving them all a wave. "Rose, this is Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton and Barbara Wright."

"How do you do?" said Barbara, offering her hand politely and smiling at Rose.

"I'm…fine, thanks," said Rose, feeling a little awkward.

"Where's Mr Cricket? Bringing up the rear as usual," said Ten playfully.

"Oh yes, do poke fun," said Five good naturedly but rolling his eyes all the same. "Good to see you all again. Now, Susan, what seems to be the problem?"

"I simply don't know," said Susan, going with him towards the console. "Grandfather was fine tuning the control that opens the door so it would open more smoothly. Then he just vanished!"

"Well it can't possibly be the door control…" said Three, using the sonic screwdriver successfully to open one of the panels.

"Grandfather?" whispered Rose to Ten as Nine got stuck in, ripping out all sorts of cables, much to the distress of the others.

"Ah. Yes, well," he said nervously, blushing. "You remember how I said that I'd…danced?"

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And speaking of dancing…

Four looked around desperately as he too was forced onto the stage by a crowd of middle aged women who seemed to think his voice was _incredibly _sexy. Which was fine, but now he was expected to get up with the others to do some ridiculous Earth dance.

"I blame you four for this," hissed Two as the music started in a blast of trumpets.

"How were we supposed to know it was Ladies' Night?" demanded Eight.

"We could have left three hours ago, but you lot insisted on staying and getting Six intoxicated!" Four said, wrestling his scarf away from a large woman who he'd found out earlier was called Frida Balls.

"Hello ladiessss!" slurred Six, whipping off his jacket and throwing it to the crowd.

"Dance fools, dance!" yelled Frida, throwing it right back. It hit Six in the face and he toppled over, giggling quietly to himself.

"What is this dance anyway?" asked Four in a sort of desperation.

"Just follow me," said Seven, leading them into a series of strange actions as the chorus began. God only knows why he knew them in the first place.

"What on Gallifrey is a YMCA?" Two asked over the screaming. Eight was laughing by this time and dancing along, finding the situation hilarious. Four looked around desperately for an escape route.

"Even the sonic screwdriver won't get me out of this one," he mumbled pathetically before being pounced on again by women.

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While Rose discovered just how much dancing the Doctor had done and Ian and Barbara crept away to do God knows what, the other Doctors and Susan seemed to be completely demolishing the TARDIS console and rebuilding it from scratch. Five was sat cross legged on the floor covered in cables looking immensely happy, while Nine had his head stuck underneath on of the panels. Three and Susan were trying to mend something that looked terribly complicated, and the First Doctor, who was looking down on them all from the scanner, kept throwing out random criticism and insults.

"Why on Gallifrey has no one tried the dimensional stabiliser yet?" he shouted crossly. "It's getting rather cold here and I keep getting attacked by very large courgettes."

"Oh keep your hair on, we haven't even _found _the dimensional stabiliser yet," said Nine, his voice muffled from inside the console. "How the heck did I _ever _manage to fly this thing? The layout's completely insane!"

"Well it was about to be turned into scrap metal when I stole it, but it was obvious it still worked so I…recycled it," said One defensively.

"Yeah I remember," said Nine. "And I'm beginning to think there was a reason it was going to be turned into environmentally friendly pencils."

"I have one of those!" said Five brightly, who was cheerfully wrestling with all the wires.

"This isn't the dimensional stabiliser either," said Three after much deliberation, fitting the gadget him and Susan had been looking at back into place. "Well that's one component down."

"Only about half a million to go then," said Ten, pulling out his own sonic screwdriver.

"Is this it?" asked Five, scrambling free of the cables and pointing to a little red button inside the panel that Nine had opened.

"Don't touch that!" yelled both One and Susan before there was a little 'pfft' noise and the TARDIS was plunged into darkness.

"Um…sorry?" said Five's voice from inside the gloom. He suddenly let out a cry of pain. "OK, who kicked me?"

"I'll fetch a torch," said Susan. The rest of them vaguely made out her silhouette in the dim light given off by the central column as she walked away carefully, her hands stretched out in front of her.

There was a buzzing noise and Ten's face was suddenly illuminated by a blue light. "Shift over you, let's have a look at that button," he said, pushing Five aside.

"So this is my future hmm? Well I am very worried in that case, very worried indeed!" said One's infuriated voice.

"Oh great. So we can't see him, but we can still hear him? Nice work Blondie," said Ten, still searching for the dimensional stabiliser in the meagre light given off by his sonic screwdriver.

"Yes and I can still hear you, thank you very much!" was One's retort.

"I don't believe it!" said Five. "Can one of you two shine a sonic screwdriver this way for a moment? I think I've found the problem." Ten obliged and Five held up two cables to the light. "Yes! This is supposed to be one cable, but see? It's frayed and snapped. That's why--"

"Give it here, I'll fix it," said Nine, flicking the settings on his own screwdriver.

"I could reverse the polarity of the neutron flow if you like," offered Three.

"No thanks, I want to keep my face," said Nine, his jaw clenched in concentration as the two ends of the wire began to knit back together. Job done, he grinned in delight. "There we are!"

There was a low hum and the lights came back on. They all stood around, blinking slightly.

"That wasn't part of the dimensional stabiliser after all, was it?" said Three, sounding very tired.

"We were still looking for the dimensional stabiliser? I thought we just needed the lights back on," said Five, looking puzzled. "The button wasn't working, so I thought--"

Ten walked back over to Rose as another argument began, the First Doctor shouting something about vegetables. "Sorry about all this," he said apologetically.

"Well. Now I know you're all insane," she said, shrugging delicately.

"Oh yes. I'm not a special case or anything," he said, grinning. "And just so you know, I think the others prefer 'eccentric'."

"Check," said Rose.

"This must be a bit boring for you," he said.

"Boring? It's hilarious in here, watching you all argue amongst yourselves. Anyway, how can I be bored with you?" she said sweetly. "And now of course it's quadruple the fun."

"Sometimes, I don't think I deserve you Miss Tyler," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"You fixed the lights!" said Susan, coming back into the control room. "You won't be needing this then," she added, putting a torch on top of the console, and as it happened, on top of the dimensional stabiliser.

Suddenly there was a loud groaning noise. Susan's eyes grew very wide and she clutched the Third Doctor's sleeve in fright. There was a flash and a puff of smoke, and One appeared on the control room floor, his arms around a very large courgette.

"Finally," he said, thrusting the vegetable at Five, who caught it, toppled over and promptly vanished.

"Rose," said Nine, stretching out his hand. Rose made a grab for it but he had already disappeared with the others, returned to his own time.

"As for you young man," said One, rounding on Ten. "You and your assistant have far outstayed your welcome."

"Right, yes, better be going anyway," said Ten briskly. "Come on Rose."

"Coming," she said, looking at the spot where Nine had just been. She sighed wistfully. "I'd just got used to having you around again," she mumbled.

She felt a hand on her arm. "Come on young lady. Chin up," said One kindly, escorting her back to the TARDIS. "It's time you stopped wanting what you can't have, and started appreciating what you have already."

She smiled at him, and for a moment saw her old Doctor smiling back at her. "Thanks," she said. "Bye Susan."

"Goodbye Rose," Susan replied warmly. "Do visit again sometime."

"Yeah, why not?" she said, grinning as she stepped into her Doctor's TARDIS.

Susan and her grandfather watched it dematerialise. Then the Doctor rubbed his hands together.

"Now then Susan, where were we?" he said, reaching for the console again. Susan stopped him quickly.

"Why don't you check that it's all working properly first Grandfather?" she suggested.

"Quite right, quite right," he said. "Why don't you go and find your teachers while I finish off here?"

"Yes alright," said Susan, walking in the complete opposite direction to that which Ian and Barbara had gone. She definitely did not want to walk in on anything that she would need to recall in therapy later.

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"And now you shall do a special dance for Frida, yes?" said Frida, grabbing the Fourth Doctor's collar.

"Please no," he murmured, before disappearing neatly, leaving Frida grasping at thin air. She drooped sadly but was quickly swept into a conga line and passed another drink. And with the magic of alcohol, all was forgotten.

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"There you are! I was beginning to get worried," said Sarah Jane, walking into the library. "I couldn't find you anywhere! Whatever have you been doing Doctor?"

"Oh Sarah," gasped the Fourth Doctor in relief, putting his head in his hands. "Never again. _Never again_."

"Are you alright?" she asked, taking in his rather crumpled clothes and tired face.

"I will be fine," he said, embracing her tightly. "Thank God! Thank God!"

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"Doctor! Where on Earth did you get to?" cried Peri as the Sixth Doctor appeared in the middle of the control room. He giggled and slumped against the console.

"Peri, you know I've always loved you," he slurred.

"Are you drunk?" she said, aghast.

He paused, thinking. "Does it bother you?" he asked.

Peri smiled wickedly. "Not really, no."

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"Oof!" said Five as he landed hard on his bedroom floor, the courgette on top of him.

"Doctor? Are you alright in there? You've overslept," said Tegan as she pushed the door open.

"Good morning Tegan," said the Doctor, wheezing a little from the weight of the courgette.

Tegan stared at him for a moment. "Oh Doctor," she said, shaking her head as she observed the strange scene set out before her. "You and your hobbies."

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And that is that! I hope you have enjoyed my excuse for a fic, and don't forget to leave a review when you're done!


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